A good friend of mine has decided to offer me advice on dating! Sorry dear but you knew you would end up in these pages…well sorry but chances are you, my friend, you are not going to read this! So here we go. I was talking to my friend- A man about my continued singlehood. He opined that i should not give up. Or he perceived that i had already given up on relationships and men. He told me that its all my fault, that i should go out and meet people, place myself out there and i will surely find my soulmate! Thinking about it later, i realise it was a fine piece of advice given to the wrong person. For a start, i do not live in a big bubling buzzling city where i can go out on friday night outs( this reminds me of friday night lights…?). Even if i were, will i hope to meet a future potential partner in a night club or a restaurant? Secondly, i do not go to church, i hear that churches are a good hunting ground for desperate women looking for men or is it the otherway round? Thirdly i have an infinate fear of online dating sites- no offense to those who have met their future partners online, but my friends tell me that these days, anyone present on online dating sites is out looking for casual sex mostly, married men looking for a thrill! Now i am not a very social person, being an introvert, making new friends is hard enough, let alone being introduced to their friends! So my friend, forgive me but some of us aren’t just lucky when it comes to dating and its hard enough if you live in a remote part of the country where nothing happens at all and its harder enough if it is 2015 when the only people you know, are either married and if not they are not looking for a serious relationship! So my dear friend, its not that i have given up, its just that being single is much easier than the hustles of trying to date in 2015!
A recent comment from a collegue ‘that someone seeing me for the first time will take me for a mother of two’ got me thinking about motherhood. At first i was shocked and angry but i hid that shock and anger beneath a very sweet smile! I am what in PC they call ‘ a curvy girl’ but in real sense, I am a girl with meat on her bones, lots of meat. I thought a lot about that comment, whoever made it did not know what nerves he had hit, but for someone like me, who has endured such ‘fatty’ comments all my life, i knew first hand what emotions such comment arouses! That comment also reminded me about another comment made by my boss three years ago just a few weeks after reporting to work in my current station. She( the boss) confessed that her first impression of me was that i was ‘motherly’, this is after i divulged that i didnot have any children! I have been called fat in my face, men have declared to my face that they cannot date me because i am fat, and all this didnot pull me down! Women who are plus size have had to deal with alot of negativity due to the societies worship of the skinny girl! You have to be a strong woman if you are curvy because everywhere you go and look, you will be reminded of how big you are. Even for those of us who have supportive partners who tell us categorically that they love their women curvy, this isn’t enough. I have learned to deal with comments about my body, but this is new; what does my body size have to do with motherhood? And should i embrace this new evaluation of my body or should i see it as just another extension of the negative view of the plus size woman? Motherhood is worshipped here in Africa, it is the epitome of womanhood, a woman has not achieved anything until she has progenated, and she is more worshipped if that progenation happened within the context of marriage for she becames a queen and a deity! Now here I am a 30+ single, curvy woman being objectified as a mother, should i celebrate it? Or no, I reject this objectification! I am a fat woman, i do not go to the gym for various reasons, i have long reconciled myself to my body size, coming from long line of big sized women, i doubt whether any exercise will lower my bone size and density! So i would rather someone calls me fat to my face that hide it behind a pretentious comment on motherhood!