Category Archives: Love

Picture this, you are in a loving flourishing( or at least you lied to yourself that it was flourishing)- relationship. You are happy, he is everything that you ever dreamed of since you became aware of boys. He might not be the prince charming you read about in those westernized princess stories, but let’s be fair, there is nothing like a prince charming in the real world but at least he is considerate, shows up at the appointed times, buys the necessary gifts, and yeah, he is alright!
Your relationship is going on well until he stops texting and you frantically try to reach him to no avail. First you assume that he was hit by a speeding motorist (the poor soul) and he might be lying in a hospital bed fighting for his dear life. Then you chide yourself for thinking such grime thoughts about your beau. Then you excuse his behavior by telling yourself that he is busy and he cannot find time to return your calls or texts. Finally you force yourself to face the cold reality that he isn’t responding to your texts and you stop blowing up his phone with your texts and leave him alone. You reason out that if he is serious and he is the a grown-up that he professes to be, he will pick up the phone and call you, better still he knows where to find you. You bask in your own confidence telling yourself that he needs the space and sooner or later he will come back after realizing what a great woman you are!
Only this time round he does not come back and after almost two months, a friend of a friend of his confides in you that he is getting married to another woman! You are a woman of great sensitivity, so you hold your head high and your dignity up and you do not break into tears but inwardly you are shocked and you can hear the little pieces of your heart crashing inside you like porcelain. You never did anything wrong to drive him away or did you? You did everything there is to sustain this relationship. You did not nag him even when you wanted to just do that, you put up with his weird habits and sexual fantasies- things that you swore to yourself you will never do. You showed up when he needed you when you’d rather be holed up in your house with an interesting book to read.
As you sit across that friend of a friend of his, you search your mind and you cannot find anything that you did or did not do to warrant this break up without prior notice of even a slight indication of it(I think people should give notices when they break up, something like “hey Betty next week we will be no more” Every woman can handle that). So you nod along as the friend of a friend of his describes his new girl and you wonder how people can be so insensitive. But wait a minute, this friend of a friend of his does not know that he was dating you! So you hold your horses and she goes blabbing about the wedding committee and the cost of the wedding and so on and so forth. During all this you are thinking of the future that you carefully planned with him, the house you were going to built, the children you were going to have and the ever happy life that you had even prepared for, emotionally. Somehow during this emotional internal turmoil and the blabbering of this friend, you get to know when and where the wedding will be and you begin your shrewd planning.
At first you resist the idea of revenge because God knows that you were brought up in the church by your mama and mama preached forgiveness, forgive your enemies so that your father in heaven will forgive your sins. That is what the holy book says. As much as you would want to respect your mama and live by the words of the Man above, you are hurting and this man does not deserve to go scot free. He deserves to know that you deserve better and at least he should have had the dignity to tell you that the relationship was not working. You finally make up your mind that he deserves to know that you were not happy about his leaving you out in the cold, without a word. You reason out that you deserve at least an explanation after four effing years of dating. Your challenge though is how to exert that revenge. You think of going to his place and pouring tomato sauce or soup on all his clothes. you think of trashing his house but wait a minute, you do not have a key to the new place that he had moved into a few weeks ago. You planned on getting the key but his silence coincided with the time you were supposed to get that key. You think of showing up at his place of work and giving a piece of your mind to him but you know that this will not work well. After all you are not that kind of a loud person to cause ruckus. Again you fear that people will likely mistake you for a mad woman and again you have never really been a woman who loves the attention, public spectacle disgusts you and you hate being the center of attention, and after all you were really never married, you were jut dating, but still you feel aggravated.
Weeks and days go by and his wedding day approaches and so does your rage boil. Eventually, you decide to show up for the wedding just to check out whether the new woman- his wife-to-be is hotter than you( how that is important at the moment does not register). Right now your mind isn’t working well, but you pray and hope she is uglier than you… how are you are going to tell that is difficult because everybody appears beautiful on their day of wedding thanks to the invention of make-up. A few days to the d-day an idea wedges itself on your mind, instead of showing up and making a spectacle, why don’t you send a present (gift) to the couple, a subtle gift that will remind him of your presence, of the future that will never be, of the broken heart that you will carry around with you for a while?
You carefully go looking for the healthiest looking rose flowers you can find, the white ones. He and you know that white roses are your favorite flowers. Once you find them, you let then dry and carefully place them in a gift box. A note of course has to accompany your gift, placed carefully inside. The note may read…May the fruit of this union wither like these roses…Cheers! You carefully wrap your gift and wait patiently for the wedding day. You will arrive early at the venue and sit quietly following the proceedings and as they declare their I do’s, you will smile secretly knowing that when he and his new wife sees your gift he will forever think of you or not!

The road to heart-break in 7 steps

I

The glance across the room. No strike that. An ordinary meeting. I do not remember where I first met you, but I remember becoming aware of you. Becoming aware of your maleness, of the rawness of the feeling that was to follow. The glance that should have been was a DM, that was our glance. A thousand silences and longings transported through the nerve brain that is social media to you, my object of desire.

II

Joy; of the newness of it all. I smile at that flickering light on the screen. A text. I live for the late night calls. I hold my breathe. I cannot contain my disbelief. You wanting me? That is a joy beyond this universe. We steal away, lock ourselves once so often. Who are we to deny what we feel? Our joy is stolen from those who are dear to us.

III

Love, euphoria; The philosophers, the poets and practically every human being has tried to describe and understand it for ages. The feeling of losing control, of wanting a rupture. The desire for the abandonment of body.Love. To stand outside of my own feeling, watching, waiting, yearning for the other, for you. Waiting for my flame. I sit in this dark space thinking of you, questioning whether love is worth the trouble.

IV

Pain; A deep sadness that engulfs you. A feeling of falling through an abyss. An invincible force squeezing my heart little by little until no breathe is left. Until I choke. Pain is the sudden realization that you do not care a whit about me. It is the waiting- for 6 hours- for you to steal away from your busyness and show up at our rendezvous. Pain is the sudden smack on the face of what I have always suspected.

V

Heartbreak; I want to cry. I want to howl like a dog. But I cannot. I have this irrational fear that if I let that scream out, or even open my mouth slightly, I am admitting that I lost you. That you are gone.Instead, I hold it in, it chokes me and I listen to my heart as it crashes beside me. I watch as tiny translucent pieces of my heart, of the love that I have carried these three years disappears. I extend my hand to touch. Nothing. Like the love that you never had for me.

VI

Memories; of what it was, a construction, a doll’s house, a figment of my imagination. A haunting of the absurdity of ‘I love you’. I am becoming. I am moving away from it all, from the memory of you, from the construction of Love. I blame myself. I did not love you enough. I did not give enough of myself to you.I was a nag. I always wanted more of you when I clearly knew you could only afford a few stolen hours, from your work, from them. Stolen kisses, stolen moments, stolen memories. They are not our memories anymore. They are mine and they haunt me through out the night. Till morning. Then I face the reality. I  am alone, you are gone and life goes on.

VII

Finality; closing the book, the final chapter, the final page that you  have left open for too long. I thought there would be second chances, second guessings, you thought we could recapture, but your busyness betrayed you.  There is no closure. It is not necessary. This was all in my head. Time will provide the final closure. Three years of euphoria, joy,  pain and memories will all be forgotten, for tide waits for no one. You left, I loved you, I lost you in your busyness and in my pain, life goes on.

Of friends and Buddies

When you are stepping into the real world you are elated, you look forward into the reign of your independence, of the many activities you will engage in and possibly the many friends you will make. For some people, making friends comes easy but for others, it takes time. That is just the way it is. Five years ago, I embarked on a journey that I didnot know where it would take me. Luckily, I had that certain type of fear that propels you to face your biggest challenge or demon. I arrived here, in this strange  land where I never thought I would fit in. I was welcomed and it took me  quite  a while to embrace my new life. When you are in a strange land, some people make it their mission to remind you that you are an alien, an alien in the sense that you do not speak their language or identify with their culture. However, there are other people within the same place who make you feel welcomed, who embrace you within a second and make you feel at home. They constantly prod you to come out of your shell, to look outside the window and see the sunshine beyond the misty horizon of the July Coldness.These are the people whom you celebrate years later when you are no longer a stranger, when you have blended into the landscape and neither the coldness of the weather nor the strangeness of the language remind you of your initial uneasiness.One of those people who welcomed me with open arms is John. I do not remember meeting him on my first day at work, but I do remember the person who introduced me to the people I have come to love and cherish. Well John or Kama if you like is a fun loving guy and soon enough after my hibernation was over, he took me to my first hike together with another stranger in the name of Kerry (even though I prefer Christy). That first trip signalled a friendship that would last through rough seas. Kama made sure that every stranger who arrived here was given the best this place could offer, be it a ride through the forest for a nyamchoma session at Kirasha-Flyover, or just a tour around the dams in the forest, but only if you were in his good graces. Rarely do you ever meet a person who gives all expecting nothing, selfless, considerate and above all someone who truly cares, not because of anything but because it is his nature.

Christy joined me in the strangeness of things. She became a good friend and a shoulder to whine on when life didnot go well. She is a great storyteller and one of those people with the most infectious laugh in the world. Some people are sullen, others have Sunshine in their eyes. Christy has that sunshine that brightens even the most sullen face in the world. She is everything that I am not. She is gracious and courteous, will get along with even the tiniest tweep,I am sullen most of the time, impatient with every one and most definitely not gracious. She has tact, I blurt out my thoughts, but amidst all these differences we found love.

You can call us the three musketeers.If there was a plan to be implemented, Christy  would take care of the  details, Kama would be the implementor and I would be…well I would be there to enjoy the plans!  Someone has to enjoy the outcome of the planning. If there was an excursion, Christy would take care of the food, Kama transport and I the drinks- never mind which types! It was a strange dynamic and of course what brings close friends together is not what they have in common but the dynamism of each member that pulls them together. 

Over the years, these two buddies have stuck in my life through the good and the bad. We have binge-watched series countless times to the chagrin of our neighbours, we have laughed at the idiocies of life. We have drank tasteless wine and once in a while a very good one. We have fought over silly things,we have made plans that were never actualized. Sometimes, we stayed away from each other, sometimes we pursued different things and sometimes life got in the midst of our friendship but in the background, these buddies stand sentinel to the greatest friendship.

Sentinels of friendship

    
Even though we might take different turns and focus on other things like families, careeers, or move to other boring areas of residences without any explanation, we will forever keep the memories we made and the hands we held and the many splendoured things we treasured alive and above all we will treasure eath other.

TreasuresTreasures

This thing is huge, let me try a piece!!
Who will be the first one to dig in?