Category Archives: People

The road to heart-break in 7 steps

I

The glance across the room. No strike that. An ordinary meeting. I do not remember where I first met you, but I remember becoming aware of you. Becoming aware of your maleness, of the rawness of the feeling that was to follow. The glance that should have been was a DM, that was our glance. A thousand silences and longings transported through the nerve brain that is social media to you, my object of desire.

II

Joy; of the newness of it all. I smile at that flickering light on the screen. A text. I live for the late night calls. I hold my breathe. I cannot contain my disbelief. You wanting me? That is a joy beyond this universe. We steal away, lock ourselves once so often. Who are we to deny what we feel? Our joy is stolen from those who are dear to us.

III

Love, euphoria; The philosophers, the poets and practically every human being has tried to describe and understand it for ages. The feeling of losing control, of wanting a rupture. The desire for the abandonment of body.Love. To stand outside of my own feeling, watching, waiting, yearning for the other, for you. Waiting for my flame. I sit in this dark space thinking of you, questioning whether love is worth the trouble.

IV

Pain; A deep sadness that engulfs you. A feeling of falling through an abyss. An invincible force squeezing my heart little by little until no breathe is left. Until I choke. Pain is the sudden realization that you do not care a whit about me. It is the waiting- for 6 hours- for you to steal away from your busyness and show up at our rendezvous. Pain is the sudden smack on the face of what I have always suspected.

V

Heartbreak; I want to cry. I want to howl like a dog. But I cannot. I have this irrational fear that if I let that scream out, or even open my mouth slightly, I am admitting that I lost you. That you are gone.Instead, I hold it in, it chokes me and I listen to my heart as it crashes beside me. I watch as tiny translucent pieces of my heart, of the love that I have carried these three years disappears. I extend my hand to touch. Nothing. Like the love that you never had for me.

VI

Memories; of what it was, a construction, a doll’s house, a figment of my imagination. A haunting of the absurdity of ‘I love you’. I am becoming. I am moving away from it all, from the memory of you, from the construction of Love. I blame myself. I did not love you enough. I did not give enough of myself to you.I was a nag. I always wanted more of you when I clearly knew you could only afford a few stolen hours, from your work, from them. Stolen kisses, stolen moments, stolen memories. They are not our memories anymore. They are mine and they haunt me through out the night. Till morning. Then I face the reality. I  am alone, you are gone and life goes on.

VII

Finality; closing the book, the final chapter, the final page that you  have left open for too long. I thought there would be second chances, second guessings, you thought we could recapture, but your busyness betrayed you.  There is no closure. It is not necessary. This was all in my head. Time will provide the final closure. Three years of euphoria, joy,  pain and memories will all be forgotten, for tide waits for no one. You left, I loved you, I lost you in your busyness and in my pain, life goes on.

Why I Blog

I have been meaning to revamp this blog. Revamping here means deleting it completely and starting anew. I have been shopping around for someone to revamp it for me unsuccessfully, because honestly, I do not know any shit around here!

It turns out that these IT gurus charge an arm and a leg for doing any work on a blog. I now regret why I walked out of that IT diploma course way back in 2004 and walked into a degree program to learn how to teach grumpy teenagers how to read and write in a language they might never use in their life! I knew I should have stuck with the damn computers!

As I was going through the old posts and rummaging through the WordPress site to see whether I can do the revamping on my own, I began thinking about why this blog exists in the first place. Why did I create it? Did I feel anonymous three years ago and decide to put my life in the public? Or was it vanity? Why do I keep writing here? Why do I keep wishing that I had a better looking blog? and why do I grow restless when week after another week, I cannot come up with a meaningful post?
I knew I wanted to write, but I did not have the gust,the patience and the focus needed to write a full story in whichever form-I think I will have to do it before I die-It is in my to do list.
Here are the top five reasons why I keep worrying about this space:

1. Those few loyal followers
I remember the feeling that I had when a notification came in that someone had followed my blog. I was elated, I was also terrified, would they love what I had written? would they find it trashy? Will they comment? The comments never came but I got one like! Once I stopped doing my happy dance, I realized that someone had liked my writing! That was my motivation for the next post

2. For Introverted Me
I am an introverted 30+ year old who cannot for the life of me interact socially. People freak me out and social places are a NO-NO. Talking to stranger is tantamount to having a tooth extracted. This little space serves as a place where I can talk to myself – probably. It is public but it is also intensively private, like my own cubicle!

3. I cannot stop thinking
when you have so much thoughts whirling in your head and you do not have any place where you can keep them, then a blog would be a safe place to do so, or so I thought. I constantly have these random thoughts that need to be released and where else can I do that other than here?

4. When you read too much…
When you grow up reading too much, you have this inclination to write but if you are cowardly like me, you postpone your writing until one day while you are absentmindedly browsing the internet, you accidentally create a blog and then you are inclined to post into it because you cannot have an empty blog or can you?

5. self discovery
If you are me, and you spent your whole life afraid of your own shadow, afraid to open that door that stands in front of you lest you find out what lurks behind, then a blog- conceived probably because of (pre)mid-life crisis is not a bad idea at all. Here I can absolutely open those doors- eventually that is when I get the courage to do so.

This post was supposed to be about who I am and why I blog. I am not sure whether I have talked about that but who said life is a linear story? I will get there eventually.

Of friends and Buddies

When you are stepping into the real world you are elated, you look forward into the reign of your independence, of the many activities you will engage in and possibly the many friends you will make. For some people, making friends comes easy but for others, it takes time. That is just the way it is. Five years ago, I embarked on a journey that I didnot know where it would take me. Luckily, I had that certain type of fear that propels you to face your biggest challenge or demon. I arrived here, in this strange  land where I never thought I would fit in. I was welcomed and it took me  quite  a while to embrace my new life. When you are in a strange land, some people make it their mission to remind you that you are an alien, an alien in the sense that you do not speak their language or identify with their culture. However, there are other people within the same place who make you feel welcomed, who embrace you within a second and make you feel at home. They constantly prod you to come out of your shell, to look outside the window and see the sunshine beyond the misty horizon of the July Coldness.These are the people whom you celebrate years later when you are no longer a stranger, when you have blended into the landscape and neither the coldness of the weather nor the strangeness of the language remind you of your initial uneasiness.One of those people who welcomed me with open arms is John. I do not remember meeting him on my first day at work, but I do remember the person who introduced me to the people I have come to love and cherish. Well John or Kama if you like is a fun loving guy and soon enough after my hibernation was over, he took me to my first hike together with another stranger in the name of Kerry (even though I prefer Christy). That first trip signalled a friendship that would last through rough seas. Kama made sure that every stranger who arrived here was given the best this place could offer, be it a ride through the forest for a nyamchoma session at Kirasha-Flyover, or just a tour around the dams in the forest, but only if you were in his good graces. Rarely do you ever meet a person who gives all expecting nothing, selfless, considerate and above all someone who truly cares, not because of anything but because it is his nature.

Christy joined me in the strangeness of things. She became a good friend and a shoulder to whine on when life didnot go well. She is a great storyteller and one of those people with the most infectious laugh in the world. Some people are sullen, others have Sunshine in their eyes. Christy has that sunshine that brightens even the most sullen face in the world. She is everything that I am not. She is gracious and courteous, will get along with even the tiniest tweep,I am sullen most of the time, impatient with every one and most definitely not gracious. She has tact, I blurt out my thoughts, but amidst all these differences we found love.

You can call us the three musketeers.If there was a plan to be implemented, Christy  would take care of the  details, Kama would be the implementor and I would be…well I would be there to enjoy the plans!  Someone has to enjoy the outcome of the planning. If there was an excursion, Christy would take care of the food, Kama transport and I the drinks- never mind which types! It was a strange dynamic and of course what brings close friends together is not what they have in common but the dynamism of each member that pulls them together. 

Over the years, these two buddies have stuck in my life through the good and the bad. We have binge-watched series countless times to the chagrin of our neighbours, we have laughed at the idiocies of life. We have drank tasteless wine and once in a while a very good one. We have fought over silly things,we have made plans that were never actualized. Sometimes, we stayed away from each other, sometimes we pursued different things and sometimes life got in the midst of our friendship but in the background, these buddies stand sentinel to the greatest friendship.

Sentinels of friendship

    
Even though we might take different turns and focus on other things like families, careeers, or move to other boring areas of residences without any explanation, we will forever keep the memories we made and the hands we held and the many splendoured things we treasured alive and above all we will treasure eath other.

TreasuresTreasures

This thing is huge, let me try a piece!!
Who will be the first one to dig in?

Confession time

This past year I have found myself wishing for things I never thought I would wish for. I have found wishing for cash- the kind that you carry in a briefcase and when you open it to pay someone they just open their stupid mouths. I have found myself wishing for a car- a damn looking and expensive car, the one you step on the peddle and it just zooms by like the famous world Safari rally I loved back in the 90’s,  and finally I have wished for a miracle. Odd wishes these are, but nevertheless ones that I have fervently wished for, and this is why? Money! They say you can never have enough and that it is the root of all evil! In my wish I want lots and lots of stinking money that I can just pluck out a page out of a check book and watch the other person-in my mind that person is tall dark and menacing who thinks that charging someone half a million for a stupid transaction, money which he knows you cant afford even if you sold your parents, is nothing – watch as his surprised dirty greedy smile lits up his stupid face.
My second wish is just a normal wish for a poor dreamer who still believes hard work pays, but for you to understand it let me put it it context. Imagine yourself in court, waiting for your trial, imagine being accused of let’s say theft, let’s say lots and lots of money which even if you were given a week to count with your bare hands you won’t be able to do it. You know that the odds are aganist you after all you are an honest citizen and everybody knows our justice system is fucked up for the poor people, you are real aware that the consequences are bad. Now imagine that as you sit on a hard cold bench outside the courtroom, you see the person who cooked all those lies about you, the person whom your gut tells you is the real thief but because of their power you can’t do a damn thing about it, imagine seeing that person look at you and pretend to converse to another person, imagine them casually glancing at you and going back to their irrelevant conversation, wouldn’t you wish for that split moment that you were speeding on a highway with a very powerful car enjoying how it handles the smooth tarmac and for some miraculous moment, that idiot steps on the road and you just hit the peddle and hit that damn smack out of their stupid face? Tell me wouldn’t you wish to do that?
I have wished for a miracle, a miracle that will ensure that a young innocent father has a job to feed his tiny little angel. A miracle that will ensure that a very young couple can look at tomorrow and smile knowing that their little angel is safe, safe with his daddy. A miracle that will take away the dread of a new day, the worry of what the future holds. A damn simple miracle that will make everything alright again.