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LIFE

 

This post was done in 2016 but it lingered in the background for a while….

I have tried to write this story so many times, scribblings that get discarded the minute they look like they can make sense. I have tried to suppress this for so long but I have given up. Today I began my six weeks of forced vacation, and no I was not fired and no I did not do anything wrong and no I am not under investigation and yes I am a teacher and kids or students- those cannot be called kids- students are supposed to rest before they begin their next year in their educational cycle. With all the time I have, I have spent the best part of my morning reading bikozulu, he says it should be written in small letters and chanyando– and hootingowl my best bloggers. Sometimes you read something and you have an extra urgent urge to write. And what better story to write than this story that has always been with me, waiting, lurking behind the shadows of everything I read or think.

There are many inspirations to this story, the most recent one being the movie God is not dead. I swear I watched this movie and it was like all the questions that I have ever asked about my existence and my relationship with the supreme being were being voiced. I remember watching that lead character( I forget his name)who defends God, wondering whether this would be my epiphany, whether it was what God had always wanted to do{check out the movie and humour me} I watched him defend his faith, his belief in God. I thought he would answer the one fundamental question that I have asked myself since I was 14.  If God really does exist, why does he allow evil to exist in the world? And I remember shaking my head in agreement-at that moment- when he launched into a long speech about Free Will! This in turn reminded me of ravishing pages of Dostoevsky’s The brothers Karamazov trying to unravel the puzzle of Ivan’s journey to faith and belief. There is also a lengthy discussion about free will, but all these did not offer an answer, let us just say that a semblance of an answer came some few days ago through a soap- yes those hated Mexican soaps that are all over the place, The rose of Guadalupe. I am a sucker for soap with a continuous theme and anyone who has watched La Rosa Guadalupe will tell you that the only unifying theme between those episodes is the belief in the power- through faith-of the Lady of Guadalupe. So this particular episode was about rape, the rape and the resulting pregnancy of a 12 years old girl by a fellow classmate, as she struggles with the decision on whether to keep the child or procure an abortion, the central question asked was, why did God allow such an evil to be meted out on the young innocent child. The makers of the soap resolve the conflict through the proclamation that everything that happens, happens for a reason and God does not allow us to suffer beyond what we can endure. I cannot say I agree with them. Neither the movie nor Dostoevsky convinced me why evil exists in this world.  I have had a first-hand encounter with evil. The hardest part of that encounter is that it made me feel powerless, it took my innocence away from me, it took everything from me. It made my encounter with the Supreme Being to be made through the lenses of evil and anger. God became a non-caring being, someone who is distant, an indifferent being who sits on his chair with folded arms, looking down upon the earth, watching mankind destroy itself, its innocence. I do not comprehend why the all powerful being, would let innocent children suffer. It makes me angry-fills me with anger towards HIM! Yes many times I have come close to cursing my existence. Why does he allow suffering of the innocent if he really loves his creation? Why someone so young and innocent? My break with the church happened when I came to consciousness about the great evil done on me those years back and no matter what the bible said about redemption, about God who loved the world and sent his son to redeem the world, I could not bring myself to believe that God loved me. How do you ask for forgiveness when an injustice has been done against you? How do you forgive that person who took innocence out of you when you were not even aware who you are? How do you start loving and believing in someone who stood and watched someone else destroy you when you had not even started living that life he is supposed to have given you?

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