Tag Archives: inspiration

Mistresses

Medicine is my lawful wife and Literature is my mistress; When I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other” Anton Chekhov

I tend to think that each of us individuals placed on this earth have split lives; what we normally do and what we actually enjoy doing. The lucky ones are those who have successfully merged what they normally do with what they actually love and adore doing. The other denizens are like me: trying to juggle our wives with our mistresses. Like a man who is cheating, we will leave all the dirty laundry:the soiled shirts, the tantrums,the silences and smelly socks( I really do not know why I have included this one here)to our wives and head over to the mistresses, clean shaven and pristine with a big smile. I really do not know what I am talking about, seriously! And for the few minutes of whatever it is that the man goes looking for in the mistress- adventure-something he feels he cannot find at home,we will bask in those few blissful moments before we head back home. This post is not about men nor mistresses per se. It is about careers or whatnot.

This space here is my little mistress, the second one actually! How much can one be unfaithful? Some of us harbor thoughts of the grandeur of being writers but we do not have the courage nor the fortitude of getting into the trenches of actual writing. We therefore, take a detour to blogging hoping against all hopes that as we explore our thoughts and ourselves, we will finally come up with a strategy to finally write that story that has been pushing to be written.

My wife is teaching- teaching kids how to communicate using a foreign tongue, trying to mold their mother-tongue infested lips and tongues into shape such that they can communicate to the world- never mind that most of them might not see a world outside their village. I take my wife very serious because of course my survival as an individual and my ability to pay my bills depends on my herein performance with my so called wife(no pun intended)

My main Mistress is Literature- like Chekhov. Sometimes I swear to myself that I will leave it for good, but during those nights when the thought of waking up tomorrow and showing up to work plague me endlessly, I crawl onto her shoulders and find the comfort among the many pages that she has to offer. Early this month, in my one of those crazed bouts against my wife, I registered for a very demanding course that will take me(at least) the next three years! I feel overwhelmed. I am second guessing myself and doubting my ability to deal with it but because money( from my wife) has been poured I have to stick with it. I am guessing that my second mistress- this space will suffer a lot but I promise myself and to my mistress here that I will show up regularly and satisfy the need to tell a blank page my thoughts and fears hoping against hope that one person in the vast blog-sphere ocean will read this!
So this is to all of us juggling different mistresses in whichever version and face they come in! May we find the adventure that we are looking for!

Why I Blog

I have been meaning to revamp this blog. Revamping here means deleting it completely and starting anew. I have been shopping around for someone to revamp it for me unsuccessfully, because honestly, I do not know any shit around here!

It turns out that these IT gurus charge an arm and a leg for doing any work on a blog. I now regret why I walked out of that IT diploma course way back in 2004 and walked into a degree program to learn how to teach grumpy teenagers how to read and write in a language they might never use in their life! I knew I should have stuck with the damn computers!

As I was going through the old posts and rummaging through the WordPress site to see whether I can do the revamping on my own, I began thinking about why this blog exists in the first place. Why did I create it? Did I feel anonymous three years ago and decide to put my life in the public? Or was it vanity? Why do I keep writing here? Why do I keep wishing that I had a better looking blog? and why do I grow restless when week after another week, I cannot come up with a meaningful post?
I knew I wanted to write, but I did not have the gust,the patience and the focus needed to write a full story in whichever form-I think I will have to do it before I die-It is in my to do list.
Here are the top five reasons why I keep worrying about this space:

1. Those few loyal followers
I remember the feeling that I had when a notification came in that someone had followed my blog. I was elated, I was also terrified, would they love what I had written? would they find it trashy? Will they comment? The comments never came but I got one like! Once I stopped doing my happy dance, I realized that someone had liked my writing! That was my motivation for the next post

2. For Introverted Me
I am an introverted 30+ year old who cannot for the life of me interact socially. People freak me out and social places are a NO-NO. Talking to stranger is tantamount to having a tooth extracted. This little space serves as a place where I can talk to myself – probably. It is public but it is also intensively private, like my own cubicle!

3. I cannot stop thinking
when you have so much thoughts whirling in your head and you do not have any place where you can keep them, then a blog would be a safe place to do so, or so I thought. I constantly have these random thoughts that need to be released and where else can I do that other than here?

4. When you read too much…
When you grow up reading too much, you have this inclination to write but if you are cowardly like me, you postpone your writing until one day while you are absentmindedly browsing the internet, you accidentally create a blog and then you are inclined to post into it because you cannot have an empty blog or can you?

5. self discovery
If you are me, and you spent your whole life afraid of your own shadow, afraid to open that door that stands in front of you lest you find out what lurks behind, then a blog- conceived probably because of (pre)mid-life crisis is not a bad idea at all. Here I can absolutely open those doors- eventually that is when I get the courage to do so.

This post was supposed to be about who I am and why I blog. I am not sure whether I have talked about that but who said life is a linear story? I will get there eventually.

A Peep into a day of a high school teacher part 1

Once in a while I will post something about my actual job that puts food on my table.
So here we go…
I am a high school teacher. I teach English language and sometimes I tend to lie to myself that I am good at it! As long as I can remember, I never wanted to be at teacher. Almost all my colleagues agree that they never wanted to be teachers. They sort of drifted into it. Some because their KCSE grades were low such that they didn’t have any other option, others like me, didn’t have the guts to rebel against their parents wishes and went into careers that their parents chose for them. The only time i can remember that i said loudly to any one that my future career would be a teacher was way back in class two when we had to tell our teacher what we wanted to be when we grew up! Fast forward into the future and I am a teacher. Sometimes I think it is Karma or something. I love the English Language and I love using it. I cannot say I particularly love the kids I teach. I am sure my students will not confess undying love for me. Anyone who has dealt with teenagers will tell you that they can be merciless and resistant to anything you want them to do. It’s even difficult when you are teaching a language which they never use to communicate. Instead of teaching English as a second language I am forced to teach it as a Foreign language. But I still love it. Sometimes I feel what I do is important. Other times I feel like its all wasted energy. Most of the days I do not want to leave my bed and face the day. Other days I cannot wait to be in class-no that is a white lie. Most of the days and especially Mondays I don’t want to leave the comfort of my bed. For the past four years, I have wished that I can proclaim that I love my job, but no matter how much I try I cannot. I know that we are supposed to love what we do or our lives would suck, but here I am I don’t love the job that I do and I may not know how to change that. The fact that I don’t love the job doesn’t mean that I do a bad job! There is nothing motivating in the teaching profession in Kenya. Any motivation has to be intrinsic. If you wait for anybody to tell that you are doing a good job you will grow old waiting. Everybody is waiting to crucify a teacher when anything goes wrong. I think I do a pretty good job because I believe in karma. A great number of those people in the teaching profession give all their best to the kids they are in charge of. They might not love what they do, they might not be passionate about it but they know karma is real and they pretty know well that if they screw up the kids(no pun intended) someone else will screw their kids as well. I fear karma so I wake up every day and that fear motivates me to do a good job. So I make sure that I inspire a kid to be a better person, and of course I ensure that I give my all to them.